So...

So... I'm sure that it happens to everyone, so I will start with a disclaimer: this is not about me being full of myself. This is not about be bragging about men being attracted to me. This is certainly not me saying I am "so" beautiful. On to the point..

How many times when driving have you noticed someone in the car over looking at you? Especially at stop lights, they sit there staring at you and then when you look up you get the head nod. The "yeah I'm looking at you" nod. And I wonder, what do they really expect to happen?

Do the guys who do this really expect me to jump out of my car and give them my number? To stare back adoringly? Has this ever happened to them? Instead I look over, annoyed, and then turn away thinking what an idiot they are. Not an idiot for noticing me, because who wouldn't? (Oh wait.. I forgot I already gave the disclaimer.. oops!) But, they are certainly an idiot because these are the types of guys who will only hit on a woman at "safe" times. They can't really be turned down because we are both in our cars and in 30 seconds will be driving off in different directions. But, were we standing together in line, they wouldn't say a thing.

So my question is, why is it that 95% of the time when this happens that the man is Mexican?

So... the worst part about relationships is the power they still have over you long after the break up. I hate that songs are ruined, movies are messed up and now, even one of my favorite t-shirts is tainted. He said it was cute, and that he loved it. Every time I wore it, he put his hands up and growled this adorable growl. I wore it the day he made me very, very late which was a good day. I wore it the night I went to his house to return his things, the night we talked and I cried and he said he really did care for me, but the timing was bad. When I wore this shirt, I used to think of fun and cute things, like Jared saying "Bumble." Now I think of sadness.

It's not just the shirt, it's everything we ever did together. It's the songs we loved, the places we went, the movies we saw. It's his hobbies and his personality. I see him everywhere, I remember "us" all the time. And I know our relationship wasn't good, I know he's not the one for me, and yet.. I find myself thinking about all the good times in our relationship. Why can't I make myself focus on the bad things, make myself realize how much better off I am now? But somehow, my heart is blind to that side of it.

I hate that I'm such a girl and can't just pick up and move on. I hate that if he showed up again, I would probably want to see him again. And the thing I hate the most is that I don't really hate him, even when I say I do.

It's not true.

So.. I have spent the last week trying to decide how to write this post. I don't know what to say, partially because I still don't know what is going on. I have never been one to do "do-overs" - I figured if you broke up once, there was a reason for it. But, for some reason, I want to give us another chance.

I keep telling myself, against the warnings of my friends, that it was the timing last time around, the situation, more than either one of us. I know neither of us handled things well at all, and I guess I want to think we've both changed over the last six months. All I know is that I like when I am with him.

I don't want to jinx it right now. I don't want to over think or analyze any of it. I just want to be.

So.. it's things like this that really make me lose faith in people, in relationships. The way someone will say one thing and just not mean it. I don't understand why. I don't think there even is a reason. All I know is I deserve more, better. I deserve respect.

And this time I won't let it stop me from listening to Maroon 5.