So...

So.. it rained today. While Chloe and I were out walking it started, a little more than a sprinkle. It felt good, cool and refreshing. Not long after we got back it got a little heavier. Chloe was outside, finally making use of the dog house I bought which all too soon will be too small for her. I let her in and we both curled up and relaxed in the living room.

But soon I felt bored. I think I was starting to get cabin fever. I have been home all week, working from home so I didn't spread my germs. I didn't want to watch tv or play on the computer. I was restless. I had wanted to mow the lawn today, but it was raining.

After walking back-and-forth through the house a few times (which by-the-way is too clean, I couldn't find anything to fill my time with - the floors are vacuumed and mopped, the counters are all wiped, dishes all taken care of, even my bed is made), I ended up putting on The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. I made myself a cup of hot chocolate, some caramel popcorn, and decided this, this! was the way to enjoy a rainy Saturday. (I know, this isn't active, but it was still enjoyable and somehow helped my restlessness.)

I will take a moment to stop while those who know me ponder why I was eating popcorn, since I have openly hated it for years. The truth is, over the last year, I have eaten popcorn on more than one occassion, although never very much and not very often.

When the movie ended, the rain had cleared so I mowed the lawn. This is now the fourth time I have mowed a lawn in my entire life. I'll admit that after the first two times, which were disasterous, the last two haven't been so bad. I think the secret is upkeep, because a shorter lawn is so much easier to mow than a longer one. There is something nice about looking out at the freshly cut grass, smelling that completely unique scent, and knowing I did this all on my own.

And that's something I have learned a lot over the past year and more specifically, over the past three months being a homeowner. I can do a lot more than I thought I could, and it's nice to look at what I've done and know that I did this, not someone else.

So.. I am from a large family, eight kids, always a dog and at least two cats. I wouldn't say that he is my favorite, but my youngest brother and I have always had a bond that I never had with my other siblings. My sisters and I are very close, we have a lot in common and I would quickly call them "friends." And my other brothers are great, helpful, sweet and I love them just as much. But there is something about Ben.

It may be because when he was a baby I would wake up at night to take care of him. Anyone who knew the nine-year-old me knows that she did not wake up easily, but for Ben I always did. I even took him to show-and-tell at school.

Whatever the reason, I love and appreciate the bond I have with Ben. Even though it has been years since I lived at home, I still think about the way our relationship was at the time. Toast, "the drill." Ben hasn't seen my new house yet, but I think he'll like my office. The main items on the wall, directly above my computer, where I always look the most, are the cards and drawings he made for me when I lived out-of-state.

His cards were home-made, always cute and often featuring hedgehogs. One of my favorites references one of our favorite shows, "The Amazing Race," with a detour of leave or stay. There is also one with a TV set tuned to "All Debi and Ben All The Time!" I also have the Valentine he made me one year, the only one I received that year (I don't think that was while I was in WA, though).

When I moved, I didn't think much about how me leaving would affect those I love. I was ready for something new, and I was looking forward to spending the first real time with my oldest sister, as an adult. Me leaving was good in a lot of ways, I learned a lot and grew a lot (and got very good at self-control re: weight and food and working out). But, whenever I got the cards or notes from Ben, it broke my heart a little. I was glad for them, but at the same time I would ache a little inside. I've kept them, I think to always remember that feeling, to remember my little Ben.

So.. friendship. Relationships are two-way streets, they take work and effort. But, at what point does it go from a healthy amount of working at your relationship to trying to keep something together that shouldn't be? At what point are you trying too hard to maintain something that should just come to a natural end?

Is it the simple fact that you want to be friends that makes it worth the effort? Or is there more to it? How many "weird" encounters does it take before you realize there is no point in getting together again? How many awkward silences, frustrated responses?

I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.

I don't know that I want to give up but I also don't like all the effort being put into something that feels like wasting.

So.. mornings lately have been cooler, fall-like. I took Chloe out today and we walked the path that goes along a little creek in the neighborhood. It was cold, I was wearing a tank top and I was debating going back for my sweatshirt. I figured if I walked fast enough it would keep me warm, and after a while that proved to be true enough. There was mist in the air and a slight breeze. The only people out were those walking dogs, a few moms with strollers going jogging. If not for the houses and occasional car going by, I felt like I was away from the city.

The air was cold and clean and reminded me of when we used to go camping in Fort Bragg. We had our favorite campsites that were close to the beach, you could walk straight from your tent out to the path. And when you woke up it was cold and misty, just like today. The only thing missing was the salty smell in the air and the knowledge that hot cocoa was warming up on the stove when I emerged from the tent.

I miss the beach, camping. I don't know the last time we went to MacKerricher. The last few trips to Fort Bragg haven't been like when we were little when we would go every summer. I think we should go again. Until then, every morning as I walk Chloe I will pretend we are on our way to the beach and when I come home I'll warm up some cocoa.