So...

So.. I wrote this song three years ago. It seems like so long ago, and yet lately, especially tonight, it feels like I wrote it three minutes ago.

Lying in the dark I think about you
The things that we both have done to tear us in two
We both are at fault, we're both to blame
But I've been hiding my feelings out of shame

I know you don't mean to put me down
But something's not right when I have to hide my frown
I'm not the girl that I used to be
Right now it's not like I'm even me

I can't be myself when I'm around you
You always push me down without trying to
And I can't see or speak or even breathe
You're choking me, you're smothering
I'm drowning

It doesn't matter what your intentions are
What you really mean or what's in your heart
The truth is what you're doing is slowly killing me
I feel so alone, why can't you see?

I can't be myself when I'm around you
You always push me down without trying to
And I can't see or speak or even breathe
You're choking me, you're smothering
I'm drowning

Even though I love you and I want things to be the same
I can't go on the way things are, pretending I'm ok

I can't be myself when I'm around you
You always push me down without trying to
And I can't see or speak or even breathe
You're choking me, you're smothering
I'm drowning

"Drowning" - August 2004
written by Debi Robarts

So.. Josh and I have been living together for almost two months now. We knew each other for quite a while before, he has seen me at my worst, I figured it wouldn't be too bad. And, it's not. Living with him is nice in a lot of ways, like at today at 3:30 am when I started freaking out (over nothing) and then took a deep breath and realized Josh would hear me if I screamed and I felt better, even though all that means is the Bad Guy would have to kill two people instead of just one.

We have come to learn a lot of things about us are different, things I hadn't really thought about or realized before. I would never call myself a "neat freak," I just don't like clutter. Josh is the opposite. Josh could leave dishes in the sink for days, if not longer. I am constantly emptying the sink, washing dishes and putthing them away. I don't like the groceries left out; I pick up Chloe's toys and make her bed; I recently made Josh move all the furniture in the office because I was tired of the mess and wanted to organize.

On the way to work earlier this week, we discussed our differences here, why we are the way we are. I didn't realize it, but he said me cleaning all the time made him feel like I had something to hang over his head. I had no idea that's how it was being translated. I clean because I want to, because it makes me more comfortable. (It was funny when Josh and I watched a show on people who horde items, I immediately was up and doing dishes, without realizing it. I don't like messes, even on tv.) I would never hold it over his head, if I didn't want to pick up his things, I wouldn't and eventually he would do it himself.

After this discussion I decided to relax on the cleaning. We went shopping for groceries yesterday, I put the cold stuff away and left out the rest. There were dishes in the sink for a day or so, and I left them there. We were sitting on the couch, watching the night's episode of Big Brother, when the subject came up. I was telling him that see, I can change. And he was telling me that he thought I was leaving it for him to do. *sigh*

I told him that wasn't the case. I didn't want to seem like a freak and jump up and clean right then, but I wanted to. But, I will do it tonight.

So.. the final installment of the Harry Potter series came out last month and I haven't even started it yet. I decided to go back and read the whole series before starting the new one for two reasons. One being, of course, that it will refresh my memory and second, that way I won't have so many people to fight with to borrow the book, since by the time I get to Book 7 everyone else will probably be done already.

I am in the middle of Book 4 and I've spent the time reading the earlier books thinking of what might happen in the end. I have said, since the beginning, that Harry should die and that Ron should be the one to have to kill him (to stop Voldemort, their connection). I don't think the author would do that, though, and I'm almost positive that Harry survives. So, switching thought trains, I tried to figure out what else could happen in the end. Please don't laugh at me at how wrong I am.

I started thinking about how in Book 6 we are introduced to horcruxes; how there were 6 or 7 (I forget how many?) pieces of Lord Voldemort's soul that he hid, to keep him alive. And then I started thinking about Harry and his connection to the dark wizard. And then it hit me. The very first chapter, titled "The Boy Who Lived." The Boy Who Lived. And it all made sense. He can't die, because he is the boy who lived. And, I started thinking about the scar, the trace of the curse that should have killed him. I don't know how it'll all fall together, I don't know what all it would involve, but the only redemption to Harry not dying in the final book is if his scar is a horcrux and that at the end of it all the scar will be gone and he won't have it anymore.

That is what I think. In the very first chapter Dumbledore even made mention to the fact that he wouldn't remove the scar even if they could, how curse scars can be very useful etc...

Now, of course, I may be way off, but if all the pieces fall into place, this makes sense. She has done well with foreshadowing in the past, I think, and this would make a good ending, although maybe not as heart-wrenching as Ron having to kill his best friend (while Hermione watches).

I will see when I get to the final book in a few weeks.

So.. I am stuck in my office.

I am working from home today; the couch I bought last summer was broken at some point, the recliner no longer worked on the left side. I finally got around to calling Becks to get it fixed, just in time. The warranty was good for a year from purchase and I called about 360 days after I bought it. Phew!

Not only that, but apparently the warranty is void after moving. Again, thankfully I called them about 10 days prior to moving. So, they finally got the parts in and came today to fix it. It took all of 10 minutes, and probably would have been shorter if he hadn't chit-chatted about how he has the same couch, and also discussion about his dog (a chocolate lab which he says is huge).

Since I had to wait for him to come today, and I had no idea if he'd be here closer to the 9am end or the 1pm end, I scheduled to work from home. And, since I am home, I felt bad leaving Chloe outside like she is when we are at work. So, I let her in the office with me, brought a blanket for her to lay on and something to chew on and set to work. She fell asleep. Asleep as in snoring. And now, I'm sitting here wanting to get up and eat, but I know if I do, she'll wake up. And I don't want her to. Much like a child, they look so sweet when they are asleep, don't they..? And staying out of trouble. And so I will wait til she wakes up and then I will eat lunch.

This reminds me of the guy at work who got locked out of his house yesterday. I still say he should have broken a window.

So.. do you ever just have a sense of dread? A feeling of foreboding, that something bad is about to happen, something is hanging over you and is about to fall? And even when you know what "it" is, you don't know when it will happen or entirely what the repercussions will be? And you can feel it, deep inside of you, this feeling of waiting.. waiting for the shoe to drop. And the longer you wait, the harder it is to breathe, and you feel it there, hanging.. almost like the cosmic void knows that just the waiting itself is tearing you up inside, possibly more than the actual event you are dreading even will.

I'm finding it hard to breathe this morning. I feel like I can't concentrate on anything because my mind keeps slipping back to this one place and the worry, the stress, the wondering. And sure, it'll all work out in the end, but at what cost? And when will this feeling, a feeling like someone is pressing hard against my chest so my lungs can not fully inflate, when will this go away and I can breathe easy again?

So.. I've quoted it here before. I quote it a lot in life ("Don't you think daisies are the friendliest flowers?"). And even though I often skip over it when saying my "favorite movies" lists, I should always include it in the Top 5. "You've Got Mail" is one of my favorite movies.

I watch it when I'm upset, when I'm lonely, when I'm angry, when I'm sick. I watch it because it makes me feel better and I can't put into words why. Something about the story, the way it's acted and written; the cutesy way of it all and how it all works out in the end. ("I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly.") It makes everything ok, it relaxes me.

Last night I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't sleep. But, I put it on and..

I hear nothing. Not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beating of my own heart. I have mail. From you.

And I fell asleep.

So.. recently Josh and I were driving to work. We go the backways, because it saves time, but much of it is two-lane roads that big (slow) trucks use. Typically you can fly down these roads at 70mph or higher but when you get behind a truck, it's 50 or so until they turn. That is, until Josh introduced me to the wonderful rush that is passing on a two-lane road.

I don't think I had ever done it before. I was always scared - what if you go over and don't have time and another car comes?? Besides the danger of getting crushed, I also feared the embarassment of having to scooch back over to your position behind Mr. Slow Driver. But, if timed correctly, this regular driving skill can also be a fun pastime (don't be scared, Mom).

The first time, I only went when I was passing just one truck. I didn't want to attempt a multiples pass because, well if I failed, it could mean embarassing myself in front of that many more people. That is when I got the taste.

I tried the single pass several times. There is nothing better than that feeling of hitting the gas and flying past a slow truck, looking ahead to see how much room you have. Even better is when a car is in the distance and you feel that quick spur of "faster, faster!" I then moved on to doubles.

Early this week I graduated my class. It took 3 jumps, each being 3 to 4 cars, but I managed to pass the entire line and get ahead of the truck. Of course, I was assisted by someone in a larger car in front of me who would spot, go and then I'd follow. Maybe that's cheating. I call it tandem. All I know is that the rush I felt was one of the best I've had. Some people sky dive. I pass cars on a two-lane.

My way is cheaper.

So.. maybe it's P.F. Chang's fault. Maybe it's because I need more iron, as I've been told for years. I don't know. But I'm craving broccoli this morning, and I'm thinking the beef & variety is what I want.

We have leftovers in the fridge. But, seeing as how I ate the spicy chicken and the fried rice, I feel kinda bad going for the beef & broccoli as well.

One could argue, it is my birthday. But we went to Chang's to celebrate both our birthdays so I think that doesn't count. Just because his birthday is first doesn't mean I get dibs on all the good leftovers. It would be kind of mean to leave him with just the plain white rice.

So, instead, I will go have another slice of chocolate cake. Healthy, I know.

So.. Josh and my birthdays are three days apart. People ask, "what are you doing for your birthdays?" like we should have some big, elaborate plans. Josh and I are not the "big and elaborate plan" types. We are "fly by the seat of our pants" types.. or lately more like the "I'm tired, let's just go to bed" types. In fact tonight, sitting on the couch at 11pm I said "let's just say we stayed up late partying but just go to bed instead." Afterall, 11pm was getting really late.

Since when did I get so old? What happened to the up til 4am girl, the one who could go with 3 hours of sleep night after night without it catching up to her?

She got a dog, that's what.

Chloe wakes up at 6am every day. Including weekends. Chloe doesn't understand that I don't have to work on Saturday or Sunday and that I like to sleep in til what my mom would say is an "obscene" hour. I would say "ungodly" but I don't know if my mom actually says "ungodly" now that I really think about it. I guess it's not Chloe's fault, she is very good about holding it until I let her go outside in the morning, which I am very happy about (other times of the day.. we are still working on that). But, sometimes I wish she could just let herself out, although I guess that defeats the whole purpose of crating, right?

Last night, which was Josh's birthday btw, I was going to bed at 9pm. I had work in the morning, afterall, and in my defense I was considering reading a chapter of Harry Potter (not the new book, I'm doing some "catch up" and I'm on Book 2) but to be honest I had pretty much decided I was going to skip the book and just hit the pillow. Josh saw me walking to my bedroom and said "you going to bed already?" He gave me a hard time. He was up playing WoW and seemed to think going to bed at 9pm was crazy. But playing online with strangers for hours isn't. Right.

So anyway, since it was his birthday, I decided to stay up. It may have been a mistake though, because I was accused (by two people) of being fiery. We pretty much sat at our respective computers and did our own thing, saying something to each other now and then, me playing music and getting angry when iTunes didn't listen when I wanted to change songs, him playing WoW which has some very strange sound effects. At one point I said, "If I died, would you even notice?" I can't remember what he said at the moment, but he ignored me and kept playing his game, to which I said, "Ezaaaackly."

Maybe that was part of why I was so fiery.

So.. I have two friends* who lie to me on a regular basis.

Up until this week, I hadn't really thought about it much. One of them I have always known they lie and one of them I had suspected. But what do you do in a situation like that? Almost for the sake of entertainment, I have kept them around, kept hearing their stories and, as they got more and more "out there," I have started to think, how stupid do they think I am?

And that's where it's starting to hit the fan. It's not so much about them and their stories, it's about me and how I am perceived. Why do they lie to me? After much discussion and thought, there are two reasons I have come up with:

1. Because my life is "thrilling" and "exciting" they want to be like me, maybe "one up" me.
B. They think I'm really stupid and I will believe just about anything.

Now, for "Stroke Debi's Ego Day" I went with #1. But the more I think of it, it's probably the second. Josh also mentioned that maybe they sense me lying to them and that's why they do it; although I don't think I've ever lied to one of them so that goes right out the window.

So.. why do people lie? Where does it get them? I'm not talking the, "yes you look good in that dress" lie (Josh!), I mean the stories about your life, your experiences and relationships. The who and what you are. They both have made up these fake versions of themselves; these wilder, more interesting versions to .. what? Compete with me? Impress me? Shock me? Am I really that important in their lives that they have the need for my acceptance and approval? Or is it that they have so low self-esteem that telling me lies makes them feel better about themselves?

Am I the sort of person that people feel they need to lie to? Is it for me or for them? And what is it about me that makes people lie?

Whatever it is, I don't like that.

*I use the term "friends" very loosely here.