So.. I like to know the reasons for things. I like to know the how and why and where, because it helps me understand better. I have a very logical mind and I like everything to fit “just so” and then everything is tidy and clean. I do this at work. If my boss asks me for something, I always try to understand the full picture, because then I can offer a better way of doing things. If he simply wants to know x, and I give him x, sometimes he comes back around and wants to know y and z, and had I done the simple asking in the first place, I could have provided that to him upfront.
I do this in relationships too, which doesn’t turn out so well. I can’t take a “we should take a break” and not ask why. I need to understand. And most men don’t want to tell the truth. This isn’t a “he’s just not that into you” chapter, even though it feels that way. So, I asked why. And his response was conflicting. One friend told me it didn’t matter, end of day it means the same thing. One friend told me maybe he’s gay. At least that made me laugh.
Either you want a relationship or you don’t, and either you like me or you don’t. If you are scared, it’s ok, I get scared too.
Monday I gave myself a pity party. It wasn’t just about the one thing. It was every bad thing pressing up against me, reminding me of every failure I’ve ever had. I cried off and on, seeming to turn on randomly, without warning. I talked to a couple friends; I complained, I asked “what’s wrong with me?” But, I also reached out, which is something I didn’t use to do. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I told myself it’s ok to hurt and cry today, but tomorow I’d be ok.
And I woke up Tuesday, eyes sore and tired from crying. I still felt a little sad at my loss this week, but I was ok. I have friends who love and support me when I’m down. I am an intelligent, attractive and creative woman. And any man who can’t see and appreciate that, isn’t worth my time anyway. Easier said than done, sometimes. But this week, I’m ok.