One With Actual Substance
So.. I wasn’t sure if I was going to post this. But, I guess I will.
Saturday was a rough day for me. It started off well; meeting for coffee with my friends, then the farmer’s market. Only, at the coffee house, I learned something I really didn’t want to know.
M is having a baby.
The person who said it doesn’t know about our situation, said it innocently enough to “mutual friends.” And I had to fake a quick smile and hope for a subject change (which, thankfully came quickly).
My first feeling was that I was the female version of Good Luck, Chuck. But, instead of the people I date then marrying the next person after me, instead they get the next girl pregnant. This is the third time. And, the hardest. Not only because I am still suffering from heartache, missing him and at times wishing things were different (even though I keep repeating: I am better off. I am better off. I am better off). But also because I feel so bad for this child.
Supposedly her birth control “accidentally” failed. I’m positive she purposefully “forgot.” And I just sit in wonder at women who think this is the way to trap the man you are with, to make him stay and “love” you. I told a friend recently that honestly, because of what she’s done in the aftermath of everything, they do deserve each other. It’s sad. I thought they were both smarter, more confident people. Apparently they both choose the easy road, and now a child is going to suffer for it.
But, I need to let go. I need to not care. I need to move on.
I was doing well, until I was shopping at Winco and stupidly went down the aisle with the baby items. And I started crying, uncontrollably, like an idiot. I was thinking of everything he had said to me, everything we had hoped for and planned for. I know he’s not the man I thought he was, that I wanted him to be. I know that I don’t want a family with THIS man. But the man who he used to be (or pretend to be?).. I did see a future, a family with him. And supposedly he saw it with me.
And now, hearing that he’s having a family with her instead, it’s like a knife in the heart, all over.