Better Than Excedrin
So.. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the headache I had for five days went away just hours after I sent the e-mail. The amount of stress my body has endured over the past few months, it’s amazing I don’t have worse problems. What makes me so sad is how very different things are from the way I imagined they would be. I am not angry, I am not bitter. I am simply disappointed.
The thing is, I know I made mistakes, and I know I “should have known better.” I know that. It’s like when your mom tells you all these things and you think “what does she know??” And then you do them anyway… and suffer the consequences. I can’t say “I wish someone had told me” because, multiple someones did. And I simply didn’t listen. I guess I thought we were the exception to the rule, that somehow what we had was enough to survive the rough ride.
I don’t know what was real anymore, I don’t know if he had me fooled all along, or if he’s lying to himself now. Either way, the e-mail I got from him a couple days ago was selfish, cruel, and not written by the man I wanted to spend my life with. That man is gone, and I don’t know if he can ever come back. I hope, for his sake, that he can find that good, strong, sensitive and giving man, and bring him back to life. I don’t think I will ever know if that happens, but I do wish for him that it does.
I thought about his e-mail all day. What to respond. If I should respond. And when I did, I tried my best to remain clear and concise in my thoughts, calm and collected in my emotions. I do still love him. I do still ache for him. And I can’t deny that, not to save my life. But, I can’t let him think just because I love him that he can walk all over me, or ask things of me that are beyond unfair.
Kate asked me if I would take him back if that’s where things went. Part of me wanted to be the woman who could say no, not ever. Part of me wanted to be that strong. But the truth? The truth is, I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll have to ever make that choice, and thank God for that. But if I did, I know it would take a lot of work, and maybe it would be impossible. But I think I would try. Because, I do love him. Even now.